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This book on marriage is no fictional piece
Bring people to church: Putting people in the
seats
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The changing views of divorce |
Newberg churches adopt different paths to dealing
with divorce among their flocks |
By Schellene Clendenin, Newberg
Graphic reporter
E-mail Schellene at sclendenin@eaglenewspapers.com
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Less than two years ago 40 percent of all
marriages in states that keep track of the numbers ended in divorce,
according to DivorceReform.org.
Common reasons for divorce, the Web site states, include poor
communication, financial problems, a lack of commitment to the
marriage, a dramatic change in priorities, as well as infidelity.
Other causes include failed expectations or unmet needs, addictions
and substance abuse, physical, sexual or emotional abuse and a lack
of conflict resolution skills.
As divorce becomes more common in the United States, churches are
working with families to provide counseling and information to help
church members cope with divorce.
Jane Shaffer, pastor of First United Methodist Church, said within
her congregation are people who are divorced and remarried and
divorced and single.
The social principals of the United Methodist Church state that
“when a married couple is estranged beyond reconciliation, even
after thoughtful consideration and counsel, divorce is a regrettable
alternative in the midst of brokeness. It is recommended that
methods of mediation be used to minimize the adversarial nature and
fault-finding that are often part of our current judicial
processes.”
It goes on to state that “divorce does not preclude a new marriage.
We encourage an intentional commitment of the church and society to
minister compassionately to those in the process of divorced and
remarried families in a community of faith where God’s grace is
shared by all.”
Shaffer said the church tries to provide a community of faith, love
and care for people in the “brokeness of all of human life.”
“We all are broken; we all have experienced difficult and
broken relationships,” she added. “I would agree that we should be
nurturing and caring for one another in the midst of something that
is hard and difficult and painful.”
Jim Ringseth, pastor at Open Bible Church, said the subject is
challenging. “Our whole society has shifted with regard to this.
Even in the church there have been battles internally trying to
figure out the best way to deal with this.”
Since Open Bible is such a small church, it doesn’t have any
programs in place to help people deal with the issues of divorce,
Ringseth said. But, where there is a crack in a marriage, he does
try to get a reconciliation going and looks into the reasons for
divorce.
“Some reasons are legitimate,” he said. These include abusive and
immoral situations and child molestation.
Ringseth said he is comfortable with these reasons when allowing or
encouraging separation, and if that doesn’t work – divorce.
“Our church organization has changed its stance over the
years,” he said. “Initially (divorce) was not acceptable.”
Open Bible pastors, in fact, could be disciplined if they performed
a marriage service for someone who had divorced, he said. That
stance changed with the proliferation of divorce.
Ringseth said it is important not only for people involved in
divorce to forgive one another; it is also important that the person
causing the pain in the marriage to repent.
“Forgiveness doesn’t mean jumping back into relationships,” he
added.
Years ago Ringseth counseled a couple who dealt with infidelity on
the part of the husband. The wife forgave the husband, and against a
recommendation from Ringseth took him back into a relationship
instead of waiting a few months and allowing the husband a chance to
prove to the wife he was worthy of her forgiveness. “She didn’t do
that and within months he was having another affair with another
person,” he said.
Unfaithful spouses need to prove themselves, to straighten out
their lives or the problem will reinvent itself all over again,
Ringseth said. “Forgiveness has to be there (even though) restoring
the marriage may not be in the program,” he added.
Ron Thomason, pastor of GodSong Community Church, said since his
church is new he has not had to counsel many people on this issue.
“We have no established plan,” he said. “What we have found is ...
we’ve allowed the attitudes of the world to kind of give us the OK
in the place of divorce.”
For example, if a person in a relationship is not happy and the
marriage is not working for him or her, then it is OK to divorce, he
said.
Thomason said when he has counseled couples he’s asked them to put
aside personal wants and needs and try to see the treasures within
his or her partners.
“That way they get a whole new aspect on marriage,” he said.
Thomason, a firm believer in ‘what God has brought together let no
man tear apart,’ said the Bible also says that God hates divorce.
He’s seen the single mothers out of divorce, the people
struggling after a separation and what it does to families and
children. |
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From
July 31, 2004,
Newberg Graphic
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